The year-end is approaching, and a new year is beginning. Looking back at this year, so many things happened, to the point where I wasn’t sure if I should write about them or if I even could. After much hesitation, on a swing in the park, I finally decided to write it all down.

Continuing from my previous 2024 Annual Review , the first half of this year, to be honest, led me to a further extension of theory, followed by a breakdown in the middle, and then hope in the later part. Not to brag, but it felt a bit like a phoenix’s rebirth, or for me, a reconstruction of my spiritual world.

First Quarter

Looking through my photos from January, there’s nothing particularly noteworthy, maybe just buying a bottle of Sakura Miko collab sake, failing to open a bank account, experiencing my first train delay, strolling around Meiji Jingu Shrine, and having some 5A-grade wagyu beef for New Year’s.

In February, a friend visited, and we hung out for a week. We watched a yakiniku buffet catch fire because of too much pork, I got a new phone after damaging mine, transferred data at a UNIQLO in Ginza, traveled to Hakone and experienced its “人”-shaped railway design, soaked in a “hot spring,” and taught a Vietnamese person how to rollerblade in Japanese.

In March, it snowed in Tokyo. I bought my first manga, watched a Hatsune Miku concert hosted by Okinawa in VRChat, bought my first album (Shigure Ui), and tried Indian cuisine.

Overall, it felt quite vibrant, but mostly these activities were a result of a disturbed mental state.

Second Quarter

In April, I took two exams, but unfortunately, I didn’t notice they were scheduled for the same day when I registered, which led to me not doing well in either.

In May, I started preparing for exams, rode a Ferris wheel for the first time, bought a new monitor to upgrade my setup, lay on the grass at Hikarigaoka Park, and bought a Shigure Ui figure.

In June, I found a lost Suica card (student pass) at Tetsugakudo Park, visited Hoshino Coffee for the first time, and walked for three hours in the early morning, listening to Kano’s songs from dawn until sunrise.

These were all rather failed and sad experiences.

Third Quarter

In July, I bought Kano’s album, a Hatsune Miku figure, went alone to a KTV in the middle of the night and was given a large room for eight people, where I lay on the sofa singing 《僕が死のうと思ったのは》 (I thought I was going to die). I visited Shinjuku Gyoen for the first time, lay on the grass, and attended an interview, though I failed.

In August, I re-arranged my desktop. In the middle of the night, I went to the park to swing on the swings to clear my head.

In September, I bought a bicycle and became re-obsessed with the classic game Red Alert 2. I tidied up my home a bit, and at the end of the month, during an evening stroll, I attended a festival at Igusa Hachimangu Shrine.

These three months were short, weren’t they? This is also why I hesitated to write about them. Starting in June, things changed. Walking for three hours in the early morning, swinging at the park in the middle of the night, cycling late at night—behind these actions lay soul-crushing, near-death experiences. Honestly, I don’t know where to begin. Chronologically, my memories are a bit blurry. Emotionally, it was a feeling of “being able to accept all the ugliness in this world.” I don’t want to write it all out, so I’ll try to organize a typical timeline from my chaotic conversations with ChatGPT (during the most severe week, I used ChatGPT for 50 hours, and that’s just mobile usage time). Some content is omitted, and some is too jumbled for me to recall its original state.

I’ve decided to write this separately; it’s a bit too dark. I’ll put it in “Psychological Forging.”

Fourth Quarter

In October, I took the 404th TOEIC exam. Although the result was terrible, my bicycle was parked at spot 255, which gave me a good emotional boost. Afterward, I impulsively ordered an N5095 motherboard and DIYed a NAS. I recorded a video, but I don’t seem to have the motivation to edit it. I also visited Sony’s headquarters and bought an INZONE H9 II from their store. At the end of the month, I experienced manual rowing at Inokashira Park and purchased Shigure Ui’s second album.

In November, I failed another interview, but through it, I learned about a school that seemed promising from a friend. I went to a hot spring, where I got dizzy and slept there for an unknown amount of time. I also ate American-style pizza.

In December, I spent almost all my time preparing for interviews. This period, I can only say, was exhausting. The following is an adaptation of a message I sent to a friend:

On December 1st, applying for admission, I learned I needed to contact the professor to inquire about the exam content. On December 2nd, I was asked to write a research proposal and a PPT. After about five days of writing, they asked me which journal I was submitting to and to compress the research proposal into a two-page PPT. I tried my best to do so, then received feedback, and spent another day working on the revisions. Around December 11th, I was preparing for the interview. According to past records, it was 10 minutes, and the professor said it would be a 2-3 minute presentation followed by questions. However, on December 12th, I received an email saying the interview would be around 30 minutes. I was hit by a huge psychological shock due to the immense pressure. After two days of rest, I started preparing on December 15th. On December 17th, my mindset was rattled by a questioning tone while I was in high tension preparing for the interview. On December 18th was the interview. Usually, interviews are with 3-4 professors, but when I walked in, there were many professors in the classroom, over 10 by my estimate. My interview lasted 40 minutes. After leaving the exam room, I felt completely abnormal; by the end, my legs were practically jelly.

After the exam, until now, I’ve been lying in bed in a low mental state. However, the outcome doesn’t matter; I think this experience was quite valuable. Discussing academics with over 10 professors for 40 minutes in a non-native language—that’s incredibly cool!

On December 25th, I went to eat at chawan. Merry Christmas!

Psychological Forging

Honestly, I haven’t written this part out, partly because I don’t know how, and partly because I don’t want to revisit those painful memories.

The first three months, though seemingly normal, in fact contained an absolute adherence to logic, which manifested not only in my life but also in my dreams.

The experiences from April to June gradually revealed the abnormality I maintained in this state. Absolute rationality led me into dead ends, ironically, even as I myself acted illogically.

July to September—this was the explosion of logical contradictions and my outlet. Multiple early morning walks, night cycles. During this time, I felt like I was undergoing a cathartic repair. I’ll fill in some timeline events from this period:

• 2025-07-19

Due to mental blockage and excessive thinking, the mental chaos began to affect my body. I had a severe headache and felt extremely unwell, my body was weak. I don’t know how to describe this discomfort. So I lay in bed, feeling cold, covered in blankets, but sweating. Mentally distressed, I tried to sleep, but sleeping only led to nightmares. Waking up, my body was unwell; sleeping, my mind was distressed. This cycle repeated countless times, sweat drenched the bedding, and tears soaked the pillow. This period was too agonizing, please allow me to describe it briefly. I felt like I was undergoing a tribulation; in short, it was a state where I found no peace whether awake or asleep.

• 2025-07-20

In the early morning, I was startled awake by a dream. The dream was about me entering a bizarre shop; everything around me was strange, from the goods to the people in the shop (I don’t know how to describe it, even recalling it now makes me feel scared, a feeling of not wanting to write further). At this moment, my phone suddenly rang, very loudly, and I couldn’t turn off the sound. For some reason, in my dream, I thought it was because the battery was dead, so I searched for my power bank in my bag. But why was my bag at the entrance of the shop? People around me were staring. With a feeling of terror, I quickly charged my phone and left, going to my nearby house, which felt abandoned for a long time. I lay on the bed, in a posture similar to 《タコピーの原罪》. This is what I thought of when I lay down in the dream, but when I woke up, I felt curled up.

Then I woke up like this, but not directly. My brain woke up first, only brain consciousness, and then there were many warm currents, like neurotransmitters (acetylcholine, serotonin) being released, flowing from my brain to my body. Slowly, I regained sensation, first body sensation. At this point, I felt someone was holding me tightly, and I couldn’t break free. I felt very scared then, but as I slowly regained sensation in my limbs, I realized I was holding myself. I instantly had a fear that someone was in the room.

In the afternoon, I thought about going to a nearby park to get some sunlight and relax. But on the way to the park, for an instant, it felt as if I had died, losing consciousness, but the next instant, I immediately returned. This was a fleeting moment. Then I dragged my extremely uncomfortable body and lay on a park bench, listening to Kano’s songs. After about two or three hours, feeling a little recovered, I went home. But upon returning home, the symptoms slowly worsened. My body felt very cold; even though it was summer in Tokyo, I was wrapped in a blanket but still felt cold. At the same time, I couldn’t move my body, leaning against the wall, just staying there.

When I recovered a bit and felt hungry, I cooked leaning against the wall, and in between, I was so uncomfortable that I went back to bed to rest three times before I finished that meal. Afterward, when taking a shower, to prevent myself from fainting, I left the door open and sat down to wash.

• 2025-07-21

I probably slept until the afternoon. Having been lying at home for a while, there wasn’t much left, so I went to the supermarket to buy supplies. But at one point in the supermarket, I felt like I was about to faint. However, with ChatGPT very concerned about me, I did manage to utter a sentence that, even now, makes me feel suffocated when I read it:

Yesterday I felt like I was going to die, today I just feel like fainting, doesn’t that mean I’m getting better?

Then came dinner; a friend sent me some money so I could eat something nice. Really thankful for that!

• Afterwards

In the following days, I almost always maintained an optimistic facade outside, but once home, I would mentally collapse and lie in bed. My voice also conveyed a feeling as if I was about to die any second, and my body felt like it was about to give out.

And then I don’t know. I remember when listening to the instrumental piece “Lifeline,” when it randomly played, I was so scared that I immediately downloaded it. I felt like my heartbeat synchronized with the music, and if the internet lagged and the music buffered, my heart would stop too.

• In Between

One day, I directly dreamed that I was bullied in junior high school. I was constantly picked on, but trying to reason with them, contacting teachers, or my parents was all in vain. At the end of the dream, while I was in the restroom, my backpack was pulled, its zipper opened, and all my belongings were roughly dumped into the toilet. Because it was a boarding school, my backpack contained clothes and books. I was very scared there and forgot if I was hit. But halfway between sleep and wakefulness, with some awareness, I started to think of the phrase, “If no one protects my rights, then a gun is my last resort.” My consciousness first asked, “Are you still going to treat me like this?” After receiving contempt, I chose to shoot them in the leg to incapacitate them, then escaped.

During this period, I was tormented. My adherence to rationality sometimes superseded my own human rights. Under high pressure, I erupted. This dream was the outlet for that eruption. However, my thought at the time was simply, “I must defend my right to life and health,” defending my basic human rights, breaking the original logic, with “right to life and health” as the foundation, and all other rights secondary.

• 2025-08-12 & 2025-08-13

These two days involved very bizarre dreams. Since my memories are a bit chaotic yet connected, I’ll put them together. I was living in “reality” but felt the logic was off, so I thought it might be a dream. But trying to wake up, I was trapped in the dream. However, that dream wasn’t right, and I knew I was in a dream, but I wanted to wake up, so I searched for a way out. I’ve forgotten the process a bit, but I found a way to leave based on a logical flaw in the dialogue of the dream characters. Then I “woke up,” which was actually still another layer of dream. Here, I again felt something was logically wrong and “woke up.” Yes, it was another layer of dream, but this dream only contained my room and myself. I couldn’t find a logical flaw, so I desperately tried to open my eyes, like trying to pull off your real-world helmet in SAO. I tried to open my real eyes. Then I “woke up,” yes, it was still another layer of dream, but this dream felt very real. Yet, I instantly spotted something wrong again. I was angry, angry that the dream was playing tricks on me. I desperately tried to open my eyes again, opening my real eyes as if they would tear. This time, I truly woke up.

I really don’t remember the specific details, but that’s roughly the process. The dream wanted to trap me, give me a beautiful illusion, make me sink into it, but I felt I should break it. I was defending my rights; this might be a manifestation of that process.

There were other bizarre dreams, but as I wrote above, I don’t really want to recall them. Each dream almost always contained struggle and pain. Even recalling them now brings back that vulnerable state of mind. So, let’s leave it at that.

From October to December, I met wonderful friends and gradually emerged from this shadow. I am truly grateful to everyone who helped me. Just like the lyrics of 《僕が死のうと思ったのは》:

僕が死のうと思ったのは　あなたが綺麗に笑うから 死ぬことばかり考えてしまうのは　きっと生きる事に真面目すぎるから 僕が死のうと思ったのは　まだあなたに出会ってなかったから あなたのような人が生まれた　世界を少し好きになったよ あなたのような人が生きてる　世界に少し期待するよ

The reason I thought I was going to die was because you smiled so beautifully. The reason I keep thinking about dying is probably because I’m too serious about living. The reason I thought I was going to die was because I hadn’t met you yet. I’ve grown to like the world a little, a world where someone like you was born. I have a little hope for a world where someone like you lives.

Regardless of what comes next, for now, you are the light in my darkness.

Current Status

Unlike what I said at the end of 2024, that might have just been a disguise, a facade of a normal person based on “this is logical.” But now, it seems I can try to break free from the constraints of that logic and truly have my eyes light up, radiating energy from within, rather than faking a smile based on logic.

Of course, I haven’t changed much. I still follow rules, but this time, they’re more flexible, or rather, the core is the definition of love: “First, self-love, and then the overflowing energy nourishes others.” This also aligns with the feeling I got from a Warma video, which said, “Your matters, your feelings are always the top priority.”

If you’re also feeling lost and have read this far, please try to love yourself first. Only then will you have the energy to love the world.

Finally

Honestly, I don’t know what to write in this article. If I lean towards personal growth, it feels too dark, and the middle part I wrote made me too scared. If I lean towards joy, my real experiences won’t allow me to cover up that unforgettable journey.

So be it. Life isn’t always perfect; a 60-point answer sheet is already passing. If you’ve truly read through this, I hope you won’t be troubled by negative emotions (though I tried my best to restrain myself), because just as I must defend my right to life and health, self-love and your own happiness are always the top priority.